The Chalupa of Loneliness
Jul 24, 2011
I spent a good chunk of the morning and afternoon soaked in brake fluid, gear oil, and sweat. I wanted to tell you about that mainly because it makes me sound awesome. I’m not especially mechanically inclined, but I am fairly cheap, and I won’t deny that working on my motorcycle1 makes me feel like a stud.
No, actually it makes me feel like a petulant child about 80% of the time — please, please can’t you just work this time? Pretty please? — but the other 20% is great.
My neighbor, one of the frequent sunbathers I mentioned recently, happened by while I was working and introduced himself. Always nice to actually talk to a guy like that.2 I don’t mean because Golly gee, he’s talking to meeee!, but because any kind of human contact with The Envied tends to very quickly deflate the stories I sometimes tell myself about them. Later on I knocked on his door to ask for a quick hand with the job I was doing, so that makes a nice inroad to neighborliness.
Took the newly-functional bike to the Adoration chapel3 and then to Denny’s, where I sat for the next four hours doing some long-distance work for an old client from my freelancing days. Quickly came to the realization that I had no steam left for the bonfire I was invited to tonight.
Once I would have forced myself to go because (1) YOU HAVE TO BE SOCIAL and (2) WHAT ARE YOU, SCARED OF PEOPLE?, but between the physical and mental work of the day and the fact that I seem to have thrown my back out yet again, I just didn’t want to do anything besides go home and blog.
It’s much easier to be by yourself on a Saturday night if it’s by choice and not by accident. Otherwise the shadows start swarming: You have no friends, Nobody likes you anyway, You’re going to die alone surrounded by Taco Bell wrappers, etc., etc. None of those things are true, of course, but they sound true occasionally, if you give them an ear. The trick being never to give them an ear.
So, if you are alone tonight, cheers. If it’s by choice, good for you for not feeling like you have to do something just because you’re expected to. If it’s not, then you’re probably going to die alone, but maybe not for a few years yet!4 No, but seriously: don’t listen to the shadows. Just say some prayers and then go read a book, write a letter, call a friend, and try to remember that all of the fun times people look like they’re having on facebook account for about 1% of their weekends.
The other 99% are filled with Taco Bell and nameless angst.