I heard a nice idea from my sister: every time something happens that you’re really thankful for, you write it on a piece of paper and put it in a jar. Then, at the end of the year, you read the pieces of paper, to remember all the good things.
I think I missed some big ones — I guess I forgot to keep putting stuff in the jar — and some of the things are on a whole nother level than others (like apparently I was really excited about my new car), but here are my 2013 scraps, not in chronological order but just in the order that I happened to take them out of the jar. They are only slightly expurgated.
- I got a Jetta.
It feels a little silly that this is the top of the list, but it is a cool car, and it’s bright red besides.
- I told [x] I was attracted to him. He still wanted to be friends.
This was a first for me. As with so, so many other things, it was much less of a big deal in real life than it had been in my mind. Months later, the attraction isn’t really an issue, and we’re still friends. So.
- [x] visited me, and we talked more deeply than we’ve ever talked before.
[x] and I have been friends for sixteen years. Somehow we had never rolled up our sleeves and compared scars before.
- I came out publicly, and received a tremendous outpouring of love and support.
Yayuh. I’m not sorry that I waited so long, because my right time was my right time. But it’s awfully nice out here in the breeze and sunshine.
- I am attracted to women, and some more than others.
Still true, but nothing to really write home about.
- I started the SEAL workout with Ryan Gooseling.
- I got my green sash.
Our school goes: white, yellow, green, purple, blue, brown, black. I currently stand at purple-with-a-blue-stripe, or “purple-and-a-half”, but that’s not nearly as close to black as it sounds. Long road ahead of me, and I plan to see it through.
- I entered the Wu Dao tournament — my first. Placed first in forms, second in sparring.
To be fair, there were only two other guys in my sparring division.
- [x] was going to leave but decided to stay.
[x] is a coworker who became an unexpectedly big part of my life. If he had quit, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but still, phew!
- I sat and talked with [x] and [x] about porn and masturbation and homosexuality for hours. Till 2 in the morning. They understood it all.
More scar-sharing, and it’s always cool when straight guys have scars in the same spots as me.
- After I had quit smoking for a week, everybody at the kwoon clapped for me.
Now I’m at seven months and counting. Dare I say that the hard part is over?
- I became friends with Ryan Gooseling.
Unexpected blessings are the best kind.
- I went contact-improv dancing with [x].
Okay, okay, it was fun, but it did have more flailing than I am comfortable with, and I still don’t like hipsters.
2013 saw, oddly, an apparent ending to the kind of misery that I used to think was a permanent fixture in my life. I’m sure the Black Dog will pay me a visit or two in the future, but depression is no longer a defining characteristic in my life.
Can I just say: holy shit, you guys, for somebody who was depressed pretty much every day for about fifteen years, that’s kind of a big deal. Do you even know how good it feels to go whole weeks or even months without wanting to die? Did you even know that could happen? It’s neat!
In 2014, I plan to discover what kind of adventures are possible when your primary goal is no longer just to keep the agony down to a dull roar. I’m excited.