Redlining, Part III of V: Cold Morning

2 years ago with 11 comments in Uncategorized
“It wasn’t that I thought you would freak out.” I’ve just, unthinkably!, told Ryan G. that I’m attracted to him, and now I am explaining why I didn’t tell him before. “I just thought you might start to…I don’t know…” “Keep my distance?” Ryan says it with a grimace, like it is the stupidest idea in the world. Not ...

How To Screw Without Stripping

2 years ago with 20 comments in Uncategorized
I own a punching bag full of women’s clothing. If I ever told that to my therapist, she’d probably get that hungry look. But there’s nothing symbolic about it, I swear. The guy who used to own the bag, a schoolmate of mine in college, went to the basement of the girls’ dorm at the end of the semester, collected everything from the box of castoffs, and stuffed it all ...


3 years ago with 17 comments in Uncategorized
On my 17th visit to my therapist, marking nearly a year with her, she asks me, What do you think has changed? I could truthfully answer: No longer frantic and empty Like a cat Tied to a stick That’s driven into Frozen winter sh★t1 But I don’t listen to Radiohead very often anymore, and that’s part of the point. The question doesn’t really have to do with the ways ...


3 years ago with 14 comments in Uncategorized
Jesus turned to her and said, “Mary”. She turned to him and cried out, “Rabboni!” What is lonelier than not being seen, not being known? It is said that the Holy Spirit is the look of love that passes between the Father and the Son. Think of the look of love: think of how unafraid it is, how it sees every bit of us, and delights in what it sees. Think of the certainty ...


3 years ago with 13 comments in Uncategorized
Good Friday 2008, I’m three thousand miles from home, I still don’t really speak Spanish, and — surprise — I’ve taken my propensity for emotional entanglement right with me to Peru. This time it’s one of the brothers who belongs to the order I’m staying with. Brother P. and I are drawn to each other like old friends, or ancient enemies: whenever we ...

Hearts Of Flesh

3 years ago with 9 comments in Uncategorized
Come check out my guest post at It’s kind of your standard I’m-here-I’m-queer-and-this-is-what-that’s-like, but I think it’s a good one. Check out the site while you’re at it: a worthy project for sure.

Enlarging the Concept Of the Human

3 years ago with 15 comments in Uncategorized
Gosh, William Lynch just gets better and better: The sick [i.e. the mentally ill] deeply fear that they are not human. They interpret an endless variety of problems and distresses as nonhuman. I remember I used to feel that it would be a relief to have the kind of problems that “normal” people had: in high school, worrying about girls; in college, about grades; later, about money. ...

Images Of Hope

3 years ago with 4 comments in Uncategorized
I’ve got no words for you today, so I give you the words of Fr. William F. Lynch. These are excerpts from Images of Hope, which I have been reading on and off since about March. It was one of the very few things that helped at all when things were darkest. It contains some of the most breathtakingly dead-on observations about depression I’ve ever seen, and no small amount of ...

Interlude: On Hope

3 years ago with 14 comments in Uncategorized
I’m sitting in the parking lot of the shrink’s office. This is why I got a laptop: I am so often in transit that if I waited until I was settled at my desk, I’d never get any writing done. I think the woman two spaces away is in the same boat. She’s parked in her car, running the AC and eating something with a plastic fork. Poor thing, poor both of us. I’ll write ...

The One Right Thing

3 years ago with 19 comments in Uncategorized
Grave harm has been wrought…by teaching that a man must find the will of God, never his own, in all things. Where we are within reality and there are ten reality choices, it is man’s choice that is absolute, that makes the choice right. There is then no need to be on the perpetual alert to find the one haunting, threatening, objective good thing to do. God wants us to wish. In our ...