To the Core

“I know what I’m talk’n ’bout. I’m a gay man,” I told M. boozily, lowering my eyebrows for effect and possibly belching. Being drunk isn’t the best way to let people in on your secrets, but it is an easy way. And it does make a handy trump card for winning an argument.

I was 21 or so and was at a party I didn’t want to be at, with nowhere to escape because I was in St. Louis and at the mercy of my hosts; so I fled to the front stoop to chain-smoke, and M. followed me.

I forget how we got arguing about homosexuality, although I was usually ready enough to pick a fight on the topic, especially with somebody like M., who had grown up among Pius-the-Tenthers, real pants-are-from-the-devil types, and who had understandably swung to the other ideological extreme as soon as she was out of her parents’ reach.

I was telling her how homosexuality was fundamentally narcissistic, how our sex drives were supposed to direct us towards the other and therefore towards the opposite gender, and how homosexuality was therefore tantamount to a flat-out inability to love.

“How can you say that?” she howled. “Gay men taught me how to love.” M. was more than a little boozy too, but she told me about the selfless giving she had seen among gay men, the tenderness, the sacrifice.

I was stolid in my disbelief, because I was 21 and Bearer Of the Truth and already knew that I was right, and more importantly, that M. was wrong. If she thought she had seen real selflessness among avowed homosexuals, she must have been mistaken. Gay meant weak, gay meant damaged, gay meant defective.

That was back when, like the terminally confused Father Gary Meier, I thought that the famous “intrinsically disordered” bit in the Catechism referred to me as a person, through and through, and therefore to all homosexual men and women.1 I thought that for two reasons: because I already believed I was singled out among human beings for my extraordinary brokenness, and because I had misread the passage in question.

Years later, when my friend R. asked why I thought I couldn’t have a romantic relationship with a man, I gave a variation of the same argument: that for me, romantic feelings for a man were always born out of narcissism — seeing something in him that I wanted for myself, whether it was his shoulders, his confidence, or his relatively sane upbringing. It was a sense of incompleteness in me that made me want to cling to him.

And R. asked: “Do you think that heterosexual relationships start out any less narcissistic?” When she met her husband, she said, she was attracted to him for reasons that were plenty selfish: she was afraid and needed someone to comfort her, rootless and needed someone to steady her. Nobody’s motives are selfless when they begin. But you have to go with what you’ve got, and grow from there into something selfless.

She was right. All this time, I had been thinking of myself as some kind of moral monster. I didn’t fit in with men because I was weak and unmanly. I didn’t feel comfortable in social situations because I was too self-absorbed to speak unguardedly. I wasn’t attracted to women because being attracted to men was easier.

But none of that was true. I wasn’t weak; in fact, my struggle had made me stronger than some men had ever needed to be. I wasn’t unmanly; I’ve met plenty of straight guys less courageous, less passionate, and less tender than I am.2 I wasn’t self-absorbed; I was just terrified, because I had never had a safe place to learn that I was accepted. And I wasn’t lazy; for some men, lusting after women was the easy way out.

And, my goodness, if I thought that all straight men dug women for noble, healthy reasons, that may have been because I hadn’t talked to many straight men about it yet.

So if I wasn’t gay because of some entrenched weakness in my moral fiber, why was I gay, and why am I still?

I don’t know. Maybe, as my friend B. somewhat insultingly proposed, there were chemicals in the water that had turned me into a girly-man in utero.3 Or maybe there really is a “gay gene”. Or maybe — what I consider most likely — the traits that are deeply a part of me, my sensitivity, my introversion, my empathy, made me sensitive to wounds that others would have sustained with less damage.

Does it matter? If I’ve been chemically altered, then I could rage at the mysterious polluters of the water supply, but it wouldn’t change anything. If homosexuality is genetic, well, so is heart disease and cancer and any number of unpleasant things, but that doesn’t make them good. If, as I suspect, it’s partly genetics and partly environment, I’m still in the same spot I was before.

So the fact that I’m attracted to men instead of to women doesn’t mean I’m rotten to the core, doesn’t mean I’m a monster. It just means I got a little dinged up on my way into adulthood. And as for that ordeal — the whole mess of growing up, I mean, with all the hurts and frustrations and confusions that are par for the course — I don’t know of anybody who’s come out of it unscathed.

1 Both Father Gary and I were quite wrong, as I explain in my post at Catholic Exchange.
2 I’m better at saying nice things about myself than I used to be, too.
3 Yeah, thanks for that, dude.

67 Comments on “To the Core”

  1. Victor says:

    Your postings get rarer, but they certainly don’t lose in quality. Good to see you again!

  2. Rose says:

    This is fantastic.

  3. Ana says:

    Your ability to express the core of the issues never cease to amaze me. I love your posts.

  4. Tommy says:

    So, how would you answer R.’s question about getting into a relationship now?

    1. Ha! Fair question. Maybe I’ll write a new post about it.

  5. Colm says:

    Thank you so much for posting this, Steve!. So much what I needed to hear today. God bless you, man!

  6. Marie says:

    I really do not remember how I got to this site, but I know I needed to read it. Thank you.

    My family is damaged ,I am damaged and my friends are
    damaged .We are all damaged Catholics. All of us have been put to the test enduring active homosexual priests and the fornicating straight ones that the Bishops have given a wink and a pass to.
    Included in these first hand experiences are pastors of the parishes we have been a part of.
    All of these individuals had a penchant for teenaged boys. Two of them have their adult partners living with them in the rectory.It’s a long ugly story filled with confrontations even with Bishops concerning the heterodox homilies we all were foced to losten to.
    On the flip side, we all have homosexual acquaintances in the work place. We are friends with these people and love them as out neighbor and as souls created by and for God. Yet because we abhor the justification for sexual sins that they have openly
    espoused , we have been targeted as being “non Christian” .

    I might add here that most of us are “pious” older women and mothers. We quietly take on the brunt of fodder for ridicule and jokes by most of society. It seems everyone has a mother or a mother in law to poke fun of or blame for all of their life’s difficulties!
    By way of example. One dear old lady who cleaned the rectory for years was publically humiliated from the pulpit by the homosexual priest for having warned parishioners he was filming adolescents in the rectory basement in compromising situations ( he now lives with his “partner” in another state having exited the priesthood after the Diocese paid dearly for his “films”).
    Two women I know both worked as diocesan secretaries . Both were verbally tortured by their active homosexual pastors who sensed they did not approve of the overt pro homosexual comments activities and lifestyles.
    I could go on as nauseum but suffice to say, all of these older ladies who were devout Mass attendees just stay at home now reading their Bibles and praying their rosaries. They are the unsung victims in this massive coming out party that is sweeping our Church and the nation for as the Church goes so goes the world.
    i would ask every active homosexual , Do YOU “love” your mother?
    and add, “… have a strange way of showing it.”
    I can only guess that the Mother of God would agree.

  7. California Jack says:

    I believe it was you who wrote something like, some men love each other too much to have sex with each other.
    It’s a notion worth exploring…

  8. alberto, italy says:

    What really offenses me about the teaching of the Church is the fact that a gay (even chaste) relationship is judged as incomplete, not full…i remember the exclamation by Bl. Card. newmann at the death of fr. ambrose saint john about the fact that his grief was greater to that of a bridegroom for his spouse. And I am offended by the unattainability of a perfect fatherhood on the part of a deeply-rooted homosexual, by a candidate to the priesthood…this means that the wholeness of a gay person, even in non-affective relationships, is judged as immature, and gives way to the discriminations that the church says it is good to avoid. This is pure non-sense of the writers of the catechism.
    i can only accept the view (a mystical one) of Saint Catherine from Siena about the sodomite: you are polluting your body, which is the Temple of Our Lord…the Church must preach this “eucharistical congruence” and nothing else, noticing 2 things: that a verginal man (or woman) deserves the highest places in paradise and that a young man refusing the current culture os sex-as-edonism is very strong…an homosexual, who condems himself to solitude and double incomprehension (because homophoby is not disappeared from christian communities, and chastity-positive views are yet to come in the gay community) is a very-very-very strong man, who can fail not only in birding his concupiscence, but, above all, in winning over solitude…a solitude that kills me little by little…i nave weitten to my bishop and asked him what the Church does n order to help this message in favour of chastity as something glorious, and not something relegating people to an everlasting outsiderness: the gay outsider in the church and the catholic outsider amongst gay and hypereroticized communities…the fact is that I cannot have a friend/lover (even if chaste) because inconvenient, I cannot make my life, because I am burdened with familiar obligations; I cannot be a priest, even if my priest believed in my attitude towards God…the Church of the openness closes all the doors, and this is perfectly inhuman…I asked the question to a priest who has denounced homosexual mafia in Roman curia…he answered in an article in which he expressed the certainty that repented homosexuals and prostitutes are the top-runners for paradise…naturally I am honored if god gives us this first-class suite in Paradise, but it is a confirmation that the Church condems explicitly every homosexual act, and implicitly every homosexual person for immaturity, for a sort of a not explained second original sin that makes us separated from other men and women…this is completely unacceptable and eternally blessing.

    1. Alberto,

      I don’t think the Church would say that the love of one man for another is any better or worse than the love of a man for a woman, but I think she would say that these two loves are different kinds of love. I mean that there is nothing wrong with strong friendship between two men or two women.

      I think you are right, though, that the Church should do more to reach out to homosexual men and women. In the United States we have an organization called Courage that exists for this purpose. Is there anything similar in Italy?


      1. Rivka says:

        Actually, the Church doesn’t say that a man shouldn’t love a man, or a woman a woman, rather, she says they should not engage in sexual type actions with one another. (sex should be in the context of love, but love doesn’t have to involve sex.)

  9. Marie says:

    Steve , a homosexual male Catholic friend told me he tried Courage. He said that in the group sessions he found that the obssessions shared vocally by others became his own and he could not get them out of his mind. I wondered what happened to the Catholic teaching as stated in the Act of Contrition to avoid the near occasion of sin, which includes thoughts according to the Scriptures.
    Life is a moment by moment struggle for eveyone and self denial strenghthens the Will. Fasting in various forms was one of the earliest Christian practices according to the earliest Desert Fathers.
    Lust isn’t the only sin that can be rationalized away today as “love.”

  10. mikell says:

    Wait a minute!! All this talk about being damaged because your gay. I’m gay and was created in the image of god. How great is that. Why is it any differrent than being celebant. Priest have a full life and so do I. When you look at someone and blood flows to your naughty parts, thats not bad but nothing to cry about.

    1. Mikell, I partly agree with you. I don’t see why we can’t be both: damaged, and made in the image of God; damaged, and capable of having as full a life as anyone else on earth.

      And no, I don’t think it’s anything to cry about when blood flows to my naughty parts, either…that was a strange thing to say.

    2. Rivka says:

      Mikell, I think he was saying that he USED to think he was horribly twisted and damaged because of being gay, he’s not saying he thinks that now.

    3. Marie says:

      We are all created in God’s image.The “likeness” part requires our own efforts. As far as being “damaged” we all are that too. Iy is called Original Sin or the First fall which consisted of the first act of disobedience to the Crreator’s Will.
      As far as blood flowing here or there in our bodies ,that’s natural what one chooses to do with the result is what can bring one to sin.
      Since when is any part of the human anatomy a “naughty” part?

  11. Mark from PA says:

    Interesting comments, Steve. I think we learn from hearing each others stories. Yes, growing up is a challenge for everyone. We do all get a little dinged up on the way to adulthood. I guess I had it easier than a lot of people in some ways. I actually read what Father Gary Meier had to say and found it moving. It seems that he is trying to understand the truth of who he is. It must be difficult for priests because human sexuality isn’t supposed to be a part of who they are so there is a kind of conflict there. I think of how when I was a young person I had a lot of respect for priests because they were pure and chaste and when I was old I found out that it was more complicated than that. It is especially hard for gay priests because if they are open about it they can face retribution from people that hate gay people. So I think Father Meier has a kind of courage in being honest about this.

  12. Mark from PA says:

    I read what you wrote at the Catholic Exchange. The comments there were very telling. Reading some of the comments made me more understanding of what Father Gary Meier had to say. I think a lot of what he said was true. The self-righteous hatred expressed by some of the commentators was truly depressing and dehumanizing. It is hard for me, because as a young person I was never exposed to such talk by Catholics. I too feel that it is insulting to compare gay people to alcoholics. They are two different things but some gay people are also alcoholics. I remember a priest telling me that being gay was like having cancer, you love the person but you hate the disease. I was speechless and didn’t know what to say. But later I just thought that it was an insensitive, thoughtless thing to say. I think Father Meier is talking about things like that which can dehumanize people.

  13. Joshua Gonnerman says:

    The insight on loved shared by you and R. echoes that found in Deus Caritas Est.

    1. It must be time for me to reread that.

  14. Marie says:

    One last comment
    I found that at the large lavish dinners hosted in one rectory by an active homosexual priest that women in general, older women in particular were the brunt of confessional jokes .Even one priest who is straight, a regular attendee who was himself an acknowledged fornicator with a local widow, roared with shared laughter over the confessions he had heard.
    The FAVORITE saying of those clerics who participated in sodomy was ,”Love is love”!

    Excuse me guys , just wondering how any sexual act , especially one in an orifice clearly designed anatomically to excrete waste, is defined as ‘love”?
    Love is an emotional commitment and not a sexual act .Seems our culture has confused semantics about everything. I love my children and grandchildren ,my mother and father,several friends and relatives but I do not have sexual relations with any of them!
    Two men can love each other minus sex as can two women .

    No matter how the active homosexual male tries to justify social acceptance of anal sex ,there will always be those who just won’t buy into it.
    As far as the homosexual’s vocation to the priesthood , after listening to the conversations from their own mouths ,one has to wonder if they are even Christians!

    If you claim to be Catholic and challange the teaching to ban homosexual sex as sinful ,then you just did not learn the Faith.
    Go read the Scriptures first. Christianity is not something you can effectively change and still call yourself Catholic. It is not a pick and choose religion no matter how you try to warp and remake it.
    Since there are so many homosexual male couples who want children I would really like to see female womb transplants and regenerative organ structures along with chemicals like oxytocin administered so they can experience the live birthing process.
    iMight change some minds.
    The transexuals who grow breasts for the image feminity can never experience the everything it is to be a woman.
    I have many homosexual acquaintances and every single one has confided honestly that their first sexual encounter was with another adult male. This has led me to wonder how many out there who state they were born that way are really being honest with themselves and others?
    From every angle this is a sad state of affair and has caused much more sadness then genuine love between individuals.
    One transexual I knew fractured his family and confided in one of his daughter’s friends at her wedding , ” it was the worst mistake of my life.” Yet another homosexual dying in an AIDS Hospice told his sister he first knew he was homosexual after his long standing initial sexual experience with a priest as an altar server at twelve.
    I could continue with many many stating similar honest life experiences to me.
    Real love does not destroy ,it is faithful and produces good fruits.

  15. Mark from PA says:

    Marie, if all women in the world vowed not to have any contact with any organ designed to excrete waste and followed through, the human race would die out. You make it clear in your posts, you dislike and have disdain for gay men, message received.

  16. California Jack says:

    i’m getting older and, unfortunately, i’ve developed a massive crush on a 20 year old college-boy 15 years younger than me.
    I’m getting older, though, and i’m beginning to see that homosexual desire — particularly for twentysomethings–is completely futile. At least, to the extent that i’d expect a twenty something to desire me. I suppose that if i wanted nothing more than to participate in the act, i could throw caution to the wind and find any willing participant. But that’s a repulsive thought, and not really what I want.

    So now i’m beginning to think about what i really want. The good looks? the young, athletic body? the backwards hat-wearing frat-boyish swagger? Is that what I’ve wanted to be?
    I have two male friends, both of whom i envy for one reason or another. One of them is very, very attractive, but he’s too much like a brother, so the thought of anything sexual is disgusting.
    You know, i’m finding that among the most rich, fulfilling, joyous friendships and experiences I’ve had, none have involved even a hint of sex.
    now back to my crush: one day, i creepily scanned his facebook profile to discover he’s into dudes. This actually saddened me, somewhat. I wonder if one day he’ll see the same thing: that among the most memorable, joyous friendships and experiences he’ll have, none will involve sex.

  17. Paul says:

    You are a poor victim of religion……The sex i have with the man i love,is not evil.

    How dare,you judge the life of other people???

    1. March says:

      “How dare you, judge the life of other people???”

      Paul, how does this statement not circle back upon itself?

  18. Sarah says:

    I was sent a link to your blog on facebook a few months ago at a time in my life when I needed it very much (what my mother would call a God-incidence) and I just wanted to thank you. I am a fairly recent convert to the Catholic Church, and was severly discouraged by the negative reactions many (if not all) of my Catholic friends had towards homosexual individuals. I have several gay/lesbian friends, all of whom are wonderful, loving, kind people, and I hated the thought that they were not welcomed into the Church I love so much. I have know many gay people who were far closer to heaven than a lot of “pius” Catholics I know. I want to thank you for your blog, and for your courage. It has given me some hope. Not only for my friends, but also on a much more personal level. Keep up the good work and God bless!

  19. California Jack says:

    i suppose it comes down to whether or not the happiness a man may find in a sexual relationship with another man is consistent with the joy Jesus promises to those who love and follow him.
    In that case, the answer turns on whether or not Jesus is the man who he says he is. Not whether people THINK he’s the man he says he is when in reality he isn’t, but whether he REALLY is the man he says he is and so is able to follow through on his promises for hope and joy and fulfillment. Because if that’s the case–if Jesus is resurrected and thus divine and thus able to bestow a transcendent joy-then it has to follow that my pursuit of happiness, whether in a gay relationship or porn use or the M word, are meager in comparison, and so not really fulfilling.

    Just some things to consider..

  20. mikell says:

    Paul, you need to pray for all the men you have brought to sin. Don’t be the cause for someone else to lose their soul. I’ll pray for you. I’m gay and have been where you are.

  21. Paul, I deleted some of the comments you left for some of my readers. The next time you make an insulting comment, I will leave it up, but I will edit it so that it says something nice instead.

    Mikell, I also deleted a comment of yours.

    Let’s play nice, everybody.

    1. Christine says:

      Steve, you are awesome. I love the edited comments! Great idea!

  22. Paul says:

    Steve, thank you for bringing a little bit more light to the world.

    I’m glad you have the courage to live as you do. Keep up the good work!

  23. Paul says:

    God is truly good and merciful! Although we do not always understand his mercy.

  24. Paul says:

    Thank you,my friend…….you are an honest man,and you are kind.All you can do is trying to tell the truth.

    You are so clever,I love the way you write…

    Go to heaven,brother…….

    Well, I’m off to eat some cake now…..

  25. Victor says:

    Wow, Paul IS a nice guy! 😀

  26. mikell says:

    Love the sinner, hate the sin.

    1. Mark from PA says:

      It isn’t a sin to be gay. But I think hating people who are gay is a sin. But it is a chalenge to love people who hate people like oneself.

    2. Mark from PA says:

      Steve, look up “Marcel’s Students First Petition Video.” It is amazing. An 11 year old boy speaking out against bullying. It really blew me away. I read a couple stories about 2 priests who have spoken out against the Boy Scouts and said that they are going to take the Boy Scouts out of their churches because they won’t discriminate against gay boys. They pretty much said that the gay kids should be shunned. When I listened to Marcel it made me realize that some adults don’t realize that real kids are being hurt. To me it is upsetting that some priests would fail to support kids just to get support and admiration from people that hate the gays.

  27. Robert Homan says:

    Thanks Steve for your posts they are very sensitive and articulate! Also I’m pretty impressed with the design of your blog, I just noticed that the color of the comment poster’s name changes every time.. really cool

    1. You win the prize, Robert, you’re the first one to notice my fancy comment-poster colorscheme…

      1. Mark from PA says:

        Yes, I think the color scheme is cool too. 🙂

  28. Mary says:

    You’re awesome, Steve 🙂 Haters gonna hate, you just brush them off yo shoulders. God reads hearts and I know God smiles at yours

  29. Peter M. says:

    That question of whether a chaste, genuine, one-on-one relationship is possible is one that is much on my mind lately. I’ve been trying to imagine what it would look like, for me.

    It would have to philia, I suppose; I feel like, to the extent that it just tried to imitate eros, it would be a flawed relationship. Thus, we’d both have to understand that not only would there be no sex, but that any activity that is just a response to our physical attraction to each other (kissing, cuddling, etc.) is probably not a good idea (this is just me, mind you; it may be possible for other people to by physical without crossing the line, but I don’t trust myself).

    What I wish for is a David-and-Jonathan type of thing: finding another man who I have a natural affinity and love for, and who has the same for me, who puts God first and makes me want to be a better man; and growing closer and closer as friends and brothers. I hope that we would both put God first, and be closer to each other than to anyone else, go where the other goes, perhaps even live together, though with separate bedrooms.

    I don’t know, though. Would that even work? And even if it was possible, you don’t exactly take out a personals ad for that sort of thing.

  30. Mark from PA says:

    Peter, I think it is possible. You just have to conquer your fear of commitment if you have one.

  31. Mark from PA says:

    I think it is good news that the Boy Scouts have voted to allow gay boys into the Boy Scouts. I think this is in line with the Catechism of the Catholic Church which says that homosexual persons should not be discriminated against and should be treated with respect and compassion. I am glad that now boys that are gay or are perceived to be gay, will be welcomed in the Boy Scouts.

  32. March says:

    I was wondering about companionship too. Hypothetically, would any of you pursue a religious life if that life were geared to those with same sex attractions and created the kind of close same sex friendships that I have heard a lot of you talk about in this discussion? I was wondering what you think of that idea too Steve.

  33. Norm says:

    Hi Steve,

    I’m a long time follower and huge fan of your blog. Great posts and conversations here! It makes me proud to know that there are gay Catholics out there who are striving to live their faith as the church teaches. I’m just not one of them. It’s been a major loss in some ways, but I’ve found that living as an out gay man in a committed relationship has also come with so many quiet internal joys and peace. I wish you luck in finding the appropriate titration of intimacy in relationship with another man – and I look forward to hearing more about it in future blogs!

  34. Peter M. says:

    I’ve batted around the idea of a religious order for those with SSA, but I think it’s a flawed concept. The call to religious life is from God, and in religious life one seeks to be devoted totally to God; to become a religious because of one’s sexual orientation, or for the sake of companionship, is a big mistake. That’s not what religious life is about.

    I’ve thought about it some more, and I regret my earlier comment. I wrote it from emotion, and I now see that, even though a lot of little bits of it are true, it’s still tinged by the idea of a heterosexual romance reconfigured for someone of the same sex. “Maybe if we don’t have sex and just sleep in separate bedrooms, then everything else can be romantic”. That’s a recipe for frustration right there. Some sort of quasi-romance wouldn’t satisfy, and as the saying goes, if you don’t want to go to Chicago, don’t get on the train.

    I guess what I’m looking for is just a best friend, who may or may not have SSA. That’s all.

    1. March says:

      That makes a lot of sense. What I was thinking of was a little bit different. I was thinking of a religious life for those with same sex attractions who also feel called to the religious life. The tailored life would not be to find companionship in place of God, but to help cope with that need for companionship so as to concentrate on God without the distraction. The religious calling has manifested itself in many different religious orders with specific characters. Those characters are based off of the different expressions of human personality. Why then could the church not, at a time when same sex attractions are more difficult to curb, provide a religious order with a special character that helped those with these attractions? We need role models for sanctity.

  35. R says:

    Hi Steve, I like what you did with the “not nice” comments! This could be a revolutionary solution to the “comment problems” endured by bloggers everywhere! 😀

  36. mikell says:

    Having a SSA life long relationship is a crock and all gays know it! The biggest thrill of being gay is the hunt. You can,t ever get rid of the life you were delt. When you get old all you have is a life time of lovers telling you to get out, they,ve found someone new. Or, Or you can be celebate, love God and yourself and enjoy life. It’s hard but so are a lot of things.

    1. Mark from PA says:

      Mikell, you said that you are gay and you say that the biggest thrill of being gay is the hunt. This is only your opinion. What you say many apply to you but it doesn’t apply to all gay people. Many gay people are in committed long term relationships. I follow the blog of a gay man who has been in a committed relationship with his partner for 40 years. I have great respect for people who are in life long relationships.

  37. California Jack says:

    I’m willing to bet they’re the exception, not the rule

  38. Mark from PA says:

    I remember reading a statement saying that a lot of gay men were promiscuous but it said that they weren’t promiscuous because they were gay but because they were men. A lot of men have trouble living chastely. So chaste men are probably the exception not the rule.

  39. P.J. says:

    With all this debate over how supposedly promiscuous gay men are, here are my two cents:

    I’m 43 and have remained a virgin. I’ve been in love twice, however (never acted on my feelings either time) and both times were sincere and from the heart and NOT fueled by sexual attraction.

    The concept of monogamy has never been a problem for me. I feel every bit as capable of loving someone and committing to them as the straight community can and does.

    In fact, I feel in all ways like a heterosexual person — with the same values, morals, and love of God — yet with one small (yet HUGE, in the eyes of some) difference: I’m attracted to men.

    Depression has crept in with age because I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to. Straight people get to marry, have kids, grandkids, and grow old together — so their lives are very full at every stage of life.

    What is there to look forward to for someone like myself? I’m not attracted to women, so I cannot marry and have kids. I cannot enter into a relationship with a man I love because… well, do I need to finish that sentence? And the religious life is now forbidden for same-sex attracted men in the Catholic Church (a ban no doubt brought on by the active homosexuals within the ministry — so the few bad apples succeeded in spoiling it for the rest of us) — so what is left?

    What are we supposed to do with our lives, besides hide out and fly below the radar so as to not upset the normal people of the world with our every existence?

    Through Christ’s power and presence in my life, I have remained a very decent, moral person. I need to share this for those who have commented on this thread about just how promiscuous gay men are. Do not judge us all as being the same, because we aren’t — and the way I have conducted my life is proof of that.

    I wish there were more people like myself who would share their testimony so that same-sex attracted men wouldn’t have to bear the erroneous stigma of being nothing but lust-filled predators on the never-ending hunt. I realize this type exists — and may be the majority — but I exist, also, so it’s not fair to me.

    Like a straight person, I have the capability of feeling love for another person — and THAT would be the impetus for entering into a relationship (just as it is with straight people), not lust.

    1. Mark from PA says:

      Thanks for sharing P.J. Great comments.

    2. savo says:

      A decent person is one in whom kindness is kinder with every step. Thank you for sharing your truth. When you are judged by some, may others be their acts of kindess uphold your faith.

  40. March says:

    Thank you P.J. You spoke from the heart and I appreciate it. It helped put some things into perspective for me. It also gives me hope that I can live chastely too. I get a weird sort of feeling sometimes that I have to conform to the promiscuous stereotype and that pressure makes me uncomfortable. I do believe same sex attractions are disordered, but I don’t want to feel like a monster for having to struggle with that. They don’t have to define me or my personality.

  41. California Jack says:

    isn’t homosexual desire the basis for being ‘gay’? without sexual desire, it wouldn’t be homosexual. longing for a non-sexual emotional connection with another man is one thing, but it isn’t really ‘homosexual’, is it? without the sexual element?
    so i’m also capable of loving a close male friend, but i’d say that if i begin to have sexual feelings for him, that would complicate my love in as much as i let the sexual desire eclipse my affection for him. the more the sexual desire contaminates my affection, it seems the less i’m able to love. so it seems that point, our friendship could only continue in spite of the sexual desire.

  42. California Jack says:

    incidentally, I don’t love as well as I should.

  43. Lone Star says:

    One of my problems with the LGBTwxyz “movement” is the attitude their proponents project that every desire can and should be realized. Much of the propaganda that is put out there is extremely demeaning to those with SSAs, to the extent that it seems that a person with SSA _must_ be allowed to act upon that attraction, like an animal. To be denied the opportunity to act upon such an attraction would be inhumane. (Of course, the eroticization of our culture impels many heterosexual persons to believe they must also act upon their desires, or else they are odd.)

    Self-discipline, decency, and morality are within the reach of ALL who love the Lord, and these are characteristics of heroic living which make us more fully human. Steve, I pray your faith and witness will be rewarded by many consolations and blessings from the Lord.

  44. mikell says:

    This has been one of the most inspiring topics. When I read something like “Lone Star” it makes me realalise there are great minds out there. I just don’t know any. Coming here I can be touched by them. God guides me here in a lonly life. Thanks Steve! I pray for mARK .

  45. Sarah says:

    “Or maybe — what I consider most likely — the traits that are deeply a part of me, my sensitivity, my introversion, my empathy, made me sensitive to wounds that others would have sustained with less damage.”

    This is exactly the reasoning my therapist gave me when I asked why if my other two siblings had the same mother I did, why are they so much LESS messed up than I am as a result of being exposed to her struggles growing up. And I ended up with OCD/severe anxiety. I’ve never seen SSA as any different than what I struggle with, conceptually. You have to struggle against dealing with your wounds by giving into temptations, so do I, they’re just different temptations.

  46. savo says:

    When Pablo kisses 99 women on national television, every viewer is a sinner with lust. I am not judging, but upholding the proper encouragement for marriage.

    1. savo says:

      I hope for Christian courtship to become a media event.

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