Four Axioms

5 years ago with 15 comments in Uncategorized
Here are four axioms for your consideration. 1. Misery is not necessarily an indication that you are not doing the will of God. Sometimes we suffer because we are doing the wrong thing and going in the wrong direction. On the other hand, sometimes suffering is a sign that the devil is displeased and wants to make you hurt: a good thing. Or sometimes suffering is a sign that God is pleased and ...

Power Vacuum

5 years ago with 33 comments in Uncategorized
That God exists and that He is good, I have no doubt. But I don’t know what His goodness means. Some time ago, my old friend R. left the Church. She left because, she said, the pressure of trying to make her everyday experience, all things manifold and strange and painful and joyful and contradictory, fit within the structure of Catholicism, was making her crazy. So she stopped trying ...

Maine

5 years ago with 8 comments in Uncategorized
I’m at my friend C.’s lakeside cabin in Maine. We have done nothing the past three days besides eat, sleep, talk, and swim a little. He is here on a sort of retreat from his life, and my situation is similar. Good place for it. Sitting on the deck, we hear the sounds of water, birdsong, insects, the occasional powerboat, the cry of a loon. I am here on my motorcycle, breaking in ...

Pills

5 years ago with 43 comments in Uncategorized
I told you I wasn’t going to do this. I also told myself and a whole bunch of other people that I wasn’t going to do this. But I did it: I got myself a prescription for some happiness pills. They are small and white and oval and I take one every morning at nine o’clock. And I’m glad. They aren’t supposed to work right away. Doc said three weeks (and silently I ...

He Who Would Save His Life

6 years ago with 27 comments in Uncategorized
Question: What do depression and lust have in common? Quick answer: everything. But wait, lust is fun, and depression isn’t! Lust is when there’s something you want to think about but shouldn’t, and depression is when there’s something you don’t want to think about but can’t help it. Right? Sort of. I remember being sixteen1 and wondering, already for the ...

With Coffee Spoons

6 years ago with 9 comments in Uncategorized
It’s spring, and I am rediscovering the pleasures of the coffee shop patio. A table over, three old Russians scratch lottery tickets. Two tables over, a man enthusiastically discusses his plans for a new kind of porn website (“classy; not like Hustler. That’s just how I was raised…how do you feel about photography?”). A group of Jews goes by, then a group of ...

Quine

6 years ago with 20 comments in Uncategorized
[Welp, no way to write this post without worrying my mother. But really, I’m fine, just had a harrowing day or two a while back. And I took notes!] A good1 depression, like a good virus, is a master of self-perpetuation. Its primary job is to attack various systems in the host; but its secondary and more important job is to ensure its own longevity. A virus perpetuates itself in three ...

Answer

6 years ago with 80 comments in Uncategorized
No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief, More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring. Comforter, where, where is your comforting? Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?1 It was bad, dear readers, very bad. I spent last night in the lowest parts of the pit, and all day today the black dog gnawed at my leg, and only gnawed harder when I tried to kick his face in. ...

The Holy Mallet

6 years ago with 15 comments in Uncategorized
Something terrible’s going to happen. I don’t know what it is. My teeth are going to fall out, or I’ll lose my job, or all of my friends will suddenly decide that I smell bad and they don’t want to be seen with me. I can tell something terrible’s going to happen, because I’ve been feeling so good for so long. My fellow pessimists-by-temperament will ...