Constipation Theory

Constipation Theory

3 month ago with 9 comments
When Father T used to discourage me from coming out, he used to say that he didn’t want me to be “pigeonholed” — by which I think he meant that, once people knew I was attracted to men, they’d just think of me as That Gay Guy, and the Gay part would get in the way of them knowing me. But of course what really got in the way of people knowing me was the fact that I had to ...

More Important Things

5 years ago with 5 comments
Today I told my confessor that I’d rather not talk about homosexuality every single time I’m in the confessional. If I say I looked too long at an attractive person, he doesn’t need to ask whether it was a woman or a man. A sin is a sin, and the gay ones aren’t special. I said it gently and I hope I said it humbly, but my stomach still turned over slightly at the ...

Teacher

5 years ago with 7 comments
Note: Occasionally, as below, I lift a post from an email to a reader. I never do this without the reader’s explicit permission. Thank you for writing, B., and for being willing to share this. ★ Dear B., I know what you mean about depression. I think we always expect suffering to be different from the way it actually is, whether that suffering is interior (like depression) or exterior ...

Stalactites

5 years ago with 11 comments
Dear Readers, I’m just writing to say hi. I hope you’re well. Sorry it’s been a while. I don’t have any grand themes to expound upon, so maybe writing this post like a letter makes the most sense. I just got back from an extended weekend trip with my Kung Fu school, who I keep referring to as my “Kung Fu family”, because that is how I keep feeling about ...
Quick Takes, Vol. 8

Quick Takes, Vol. 8

5 years ago with 21 comments
Clean Of Heart I’m on day 30 of Clean Of Heart, which is cool. Father T. is my official accountability partner, but as I’m not willing to ask him to give me time every single day to talk about the silly, petty mechanics of my lust, even though he’d never put it that way; and, knowing what a thorough and generous shepherd he is to his flock, I doubt he’d have time ...

Total Perspective Vortex

5 years ago with 10 comments
Look, Matisyahu, I don’t know what your deal is, or why the Reggae and not something less awful,1 or what that accent is, exactly,2 or why you decided to shave your beard or how I feel about that, but I do like that one song that was on the radio forever ago, because damn, how many times has a love song aimed directly at God gotten that much radio play? Not since the heyday of U2, ...

Unwearied

7 years ago with 5 comments
To my relief, I wake up too late for Mass this morning. More sleep means less surliness, and less effort spent ignoring my resentment at the priest who sings off-key and the parishioners who ad-lib the responses to make them just a little bit more feminist. I’m trailing a cloud of melancholy from bad dreams: something to do with wounds, accusations, betrayal of trust. I know from long ...

Moving Out, Pt. IV

7 years ago with 19 comments
[ This story started here and continued here. ] IV: LEAVING VENUS I’m almost home from DC, and I stop to text Father T: Nearly there. Stopping by chapel for half hour. If all goes well in prayer, is it okay to tell them tonight? I hate having to ask about miniscule things like this, but by now I don’t trust myself to see straight. Father T. texts back: Yes. It’s tempting to ...

Lies

7 years ago with 14 comments
A quick excerpt, heavily paraphrased, from my phone conversation with Fr. T. the other night. You think this is coming from yourself, but it’s not. What would you do if you were at work and someone came up to you and said, “You’re no good at your job. You’re a disaster as a web developer. Your code is crap. They ought to fire you right now.” Would you burst into ...

Answer

8 years ago with 80 comments
No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief, More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring. Comforter, where, where is your comforting? Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?1 It was bad, dear readers, very bad. I spent last night in the lowest parts of the pit, and all day today the black dog gnawed at my leg, and only gnawed harder when I tried to kick his face in. ...