Ain’t No Thing

7 years ago with 10 comments
Happy National Coming Out Day! I guess that’s a thing. Apropos of that, Boy, it’s a good thing having an awkward moment at a get-together doesn’t send me into a spiral of self-loathing and despair anymore. No joke, that used to happen. I’d flub a handshake1 or tell an unfunny joke or be the wrong kind of geeky when everybody else was being the right kind of cool, and ...

Dark Backward

7 years ago with 11 comments
I dug out my old journals, from about January ’02 to present. I am trying to figure out once and for all what happened when, so I can make sense of a couple of things. Here they are:   Um holy crap you guys, I think a lot.

Many Threads, One Processor

7 years ago with 14 comments
My friend J. once told me that he liked Dostoevsky, but didn’t find him realistic. He cited the scene in Crime and Punishment where Raskolnikov and Razumikhin are approaching the house of the investigator Porfiry Petrovich, and poor Rask. is agonizing over how to behave in front of Porfiry: “I shall have to pull a long face with him too,” he thought, with a beating heart, ...

To the Core

7 years ago with 67 comments
“I know what I’m talk’n ’bout. I’m a gay man,” I told M. boozily, lowering my eyebrows for effect and possibly belching. Being drunk isn’t the best way to let people in on your secrets, but it is an easy way. And it does make a handy trump card for winning an argument. I was 21 or so and was at a party I didn’t want to be at, with nowhere to ...

As Much As You Can

8 years ago with 9 comments
Once on a bus trip I met a recovering alcoholic named Hank. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic because that was practically the first thing he said. I didn’t know whether to be fascinated by this kind of haphazard self-disclosure, or put off by it. I recorded the incident in my journal; I was about twenty-one and in the middle of a very romantically-conceived bus-and-train trip around ...


8 years ago with 24 comments
Falling in love has got to be the most humiliating thing ever. Call it a besetting sin, call it a weakness, or just call it the human condition — this is one of the biggest deals for me, and every time I think I’m all done, I get smacked upside the head with it. You’d think it would set off warning flags when I start to have thoughts like: “Oh yes. I used to be like ...

Fury, Mire, Bananas!

9 years ago with 31 comments
Occasionally I do pull out the gay card. The gay card, of course, is a conversational trump, as in: “You say homosexual acts are wrong? Well, I have a gay cousin!” This is exactly as logical as saying: “You think Cheetos aren’t nutritious? Well, I love Cheetos!” Probably true, but totally irrelevant — unless you expect me to tailor my principles according ...